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About a quarter of college age women haven’t had an orgasm, as far as they know, and about 12% of women under age 28. Somewhere between 5-10% of adult women may rarely or never orgasm, as far as they remember, though I believe any woman interested enough to try can have an orgasm. I met a woman who told me she had her first orgasm in her 70s. So if you’re interested, here are a few quick tips
(b) has to do with increasing excitation cues – that is, giving your brain more reasons to tell your genitals, “Yes, NOW!!” The mechanical vibration provided by toys is more intense than anything a hand, phallus, tongue, fresh produce, or other organic stimulus can provide. More stimulation –> more arousal –> easier/faster orgasm.
(a) and (c) have to do with reducing potential inhibitors. “Inhibition” in this context doesn’t mean “shyness,” as it often gets used. It means “brakes,” things that cause your brain to tell your genitals “NOT NOW!!”
(a) helps to minimize the intrusive thoughts that many women experience when their partner is in the room. All that thinking about what your partner might be thinking about both distracts you from the pleasure you’re experiencing and gives your brain excuses to send “STOP IT!” signals to your genitals. Without your partner there, you can pay attention to the pleasure and not fret about the partner. Add the partner later, when you’ve got the hang of it.
(c), of course, raises the question, “If I can’t try to have an orgasm, what do I do while I masturbate?” Answer: you enjoy the lovely sensation of sexual arousal. You’re watching your arousal grow. You’re relaxing into the knowledge that your body is capable of bringing you pleasure and gratification. You’re celebrating this messy, noisy, awkward, cumbersome, beautiful gift you were given as a prize for being born – I mean your body – and exploring its capabilities. It’s like you’ve just got a new toy – a car, a phone, whatever – and you’re testing out all the cool things it can do, and finding it can do way more extra-cool shit than you ever expected.
My belief is that every woman who is interested enough in sex to want to have an orgasm is capable of having one. It may take longer than you want it to, and it may take lots of stimulation and a well-trained ability to pay attention to your body and erotic thoughts, to the exclusion of intrusive and unsexy worries, but with practice and patience it can happen.
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Questions or comments? Please email my very tiny team at unrulywellness@gmail.com
Signed copies of Come As You Are can be obtained from my amazing local bookseller, Book Moon Books.
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Stay safe and see you next time.
